Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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