Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
