I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
