I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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