Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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