Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize