i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
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