She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
