He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
