I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i need some magic done to my vagina
Randomize
