I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
