Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize