woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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