i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
