Just cropdusted the office
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
