Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize