yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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