Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
