we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize