Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
