I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize