he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize