I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
