I have demons in me.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
