I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
