All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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