Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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