I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Just invented taco cereal.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
