Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I deserve this hangover.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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