Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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