at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
