Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
