Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
