I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
