is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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