Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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