I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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