I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
