??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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