we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
