Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
