; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
