Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
