i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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