why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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