I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
