guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He better not be in your backpack
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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