So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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