She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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