Got a toothbrush?
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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