They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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