drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
