I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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