Please, let me fuck your mom
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
