Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
